Sessrin Drabble Themes
by Kisaragia
Summary: Themes surrounding the great demon Sesshomaru and his human child ward Rin. Some much potential and so many things could happen. [keywords: love, hate, chance, redemption, acceptance, jealousy, demon, human, soul mate, betrayal, choices, dilemma.]
1. alpha i

**Don't like the pairing, find it disturbing or incest, please don't read. I don't appreciate random flaming.** Constructive reviews always welcomed!

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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this piece of writing. Takahashi Rumiko owns them.

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1 Alien 

_It_ was alien to him at the beginning. A totally different (lower) class of being, whose needs and desires are foreign to him. He admits that he lets _it_ tag along out of curiosity, it was a little perverse experiment of his as he had been searching for answers for a long time and too many things still remained a dubious blur after many years of searching for explanation of the actions taken in the last few years of the life by the only one person he ever truly respect and held in high awe. He figured then too that _it_ was just a helpless creature – and one human child was _a thing, which_ he could easily get rid of at anytime with a mere flick of his finger, if he were to get tired of having _it_ around him. But now he is not so sure anymore if _she_ is still an experiment. What is worse is that he wasn't sure anymore if he was the one _in control_ of this twisted investigation.

_That strong burning sensation in his chest when he realized that tenseiga could no longer revive her. _

_That strange emptiness that consumed him when he thought that he might have lost her forever. _

He shuts his eyes tight in disgust, commanding his mind to shut out such pungent thoughts (and no parts of him would dare to defy the mighty Sesshomaru). The sensation that these thoughts stirs up in him are disturbing… and too much to bear. As he opens his eyes once again, he could not stop the urge of wanting to touch her – he needs to know for sure she is really here with him. As he reaches to stroke her soft cheeks, he looks endearing at her peaceful sleeping form – her chest moving up and down in rhyme with her inhaling. How strange. He could hardly believe that he had been holding her – cold and unbreathing – just a while back ago in hell. What he doesn't realize is how much pain his eyes conveys amidst his enduring gaze of her.

Feeling her warmth, he _feels_ relieved. What is this… _feeling_? Feelings are alien to him. But _she_ didn't feel alien to him anymore. As if it was a destined ironic turn of fate, in the strangest ways s_he_ has become a _part of him_ that he could not bear to miss anymore. _She is his treasure. _

2 Color

She has never really had a favorite color.  
However, she practically _liked_ everything that has color on it.  
Blue of the sky, pink of her mother's yukata, green of the grass, purple of the pouch – a gift from the girl she overheard him claiming to their father that he might like to one day marry – which her brother carried close to his heart.  
She loved all the pretty colors as they keep the world from becoming dull and her day bright.  
She has never really had a favorite color, until recently.  
In honesty, she has never thought of white as much of color.  
In the past, white to her is like a blank space where no decision has yet been made on what color to fill the space with.  
But now she starts to notice how pretty white can be.  
White is the color of wild daisies, the type that can easily be found in the open field – the flowers she likes to pick and bundle into a small bunch as a gift.  
White is the color of the clouds in the sky, in glaring contrast to the blue of the sky on a bright sunny day.  
White is the color of snow – that falls during winter covering the land everywhere like a white giant blanket putting everything to sleep.  
_White is Sesshomaru-sama_  
The color of his kimono, the furry mokomoko that is an extension of him in his humanoid form, and sometimes also the color of his hair – when she secretly steals a peak at his graceful silhouette against the dazzling setting sun.  
Before meeting him, she never thought white could be such a pretty color.  
So lucid and so serene. So quiet and sometimes quite cold, distant, unnerving.  
Sometimes it is like he is born to wear white – as if no other being could bring out the dignity, purity and beauty of something so empty and so plain better than he does – and perhaps it is also because no other color is noble enough to bring out the magnificence of his physical beauty. Other colors might just taint his allurement.  
She likes it (yes, very very much) that she has a favorite color now.  
Sesshomaru-sama is reason enough that white is her favorite color now _and forever_….

3 Invincible

They say he is one of the most feared demon alive. Naraku has often referred to him as "the perfect demon". Others believe that he would become even greater than his father. It is probably true. He possesses extremely heightened sense, super physical strength, remarkable speed, immunity to diseases, poisons, and gases that would affect or kill most living creatures, and on top of that, he is even resistant to holy and divine powers. He often kills with much ease and precision. Endowed with intelligence and perception, he often has a good insight of other's intentions and can be clever at employing tactics. Cold, stoic and unfeeling, nothing stands in his path when he seeks out his enemy. Recently he has finally gained a sword that would match his prowess. _He is almost invincible._

What they do not realize is that as soon as she closes her eyes and walks away from him – he falters.

4 Pretenses

It started with little things like holding hands and going together to look for food. Then he started to be by her side _all_ the time, even when sleeping he would put a protective arm around her to keep her safe. Initially Sesshomaru did not mind Kohaku: the boy had a piece of sacred jewel on his back, so sooner or later Naraku is going to come searching for him, which is precisely what he wants. But lately Kohaku is starting to get on his nerves. However Sesshomaru is a tactician, so he knows he needs to bide his time.

He may have his eyes closed, but it is just pretenses. Not only is he not asleep, his mind was on the contrary active and busy scheming plans. Lately he has been putting on too much pretenses (as if he did not care), but tonight as he watches in cold disdain Rin nudging close to Kohaku as she sleeps, he decides that he needs a plan, just in case. If by the time Naraku is died and Kohaku is still alive, he needs a plan to lose the boy. Right now, he is already concocting plan D, just in case plan A, B or C fails…

5 Yin Yang

_Yin and yang – two primal opposing but complementary cosmic forces.  
Yin: the dark element. Passive, dark, downward-seeking, feminine, night. Brooding, negative, bitterness, anger, still.  
Yang: the bright element. Active, light, upward-seeking, masculine, day. Open, positive, caring, sweet, pleasant, love._

He should have been yang, but he became yin. Life is twisted, so is Sesshomaru. When he meets a girl who should have been yin but is yang instead – he knew he met his match.

6 Bathe

He has highly sensitive sense of smell she knows. He can tell by smelling what had taken place already, or even occurrences that are happening far away. Once he has registered one's smell, he never forgets. Through smell, he would know who and _what_ she has met with and done. That is why when there is someone or something she does not want him to know, she would bathe and scrub every inch of her body before coming home to him.

7 "Do you love me?"

He asks a question, but all she did was to avoid his eyes.  
He asks _the_ question again. Still she did not answer.  
He was perplexed by her reaction.  
Why does she not answer? _I don't know_.  
Is it because she doesn't love me? _Then she could have said so_.  
Is it because she doesn't know if she loves me? _She said she knew her heart well_.  
Gathering up his courage, Kohaku asks the question once again. _Do you love me?_  
Maybe she did not answer is not because she does not love him.  
It is definitely not because she does not know if she loves him (yes, she does).  
Yet she refuses to give him an answer. Instead she closes her eyes, turns and walks away, leaving Kohaku to stand by himself in the cold confused. She straddles her leg over Aun's back and heads back home.  
She does not answer is most likely because she already has someone else in her heart.

8 Fortune

The Chinese has a saying: if one survives a big misfortune, the rest of this person's life would be one blessed with good fortune. Being the youngest and the most helpless of her family, it was almost like _a miracle_ that she was the only one who survived her family's misfortune. When demon wolves attacked her village, being alone without a kin to protect her, it was _her fortune_ that brought her the miracle that enabled her to become the only one who survived the ordeal. When Sesshomaru took her into his care, she knew at once it is _her fortune_ to have someone this kind to protect her from harm. When she died in hell, it is once again _her fortune_ that Sesshomaru's mother has Meidou Seki to bring her back to life.

Rin has escaped one major misfortune and revived in two of her deaths – and she is only eight years old.

9 Relinquish

You are happy that he cares. You are happy that he still wants you around. You are happy that he assures you again and again nothing between him and you would change, even if he will be bedding someone else from tonight onwards.

You thought you could handle it. You thought the most important was to stay by his side. You thought you would be happy if he is. But you thought wrong. Somehow, somewhere, and some time ago, you start to lose faith – you are not sure of your own feelings anymore, or how much more your heart can take. Slowly, you start to want to see him less, and your mind start to wander elsewhere when you are with him. You find tears running down your cheeks when you are alone. You find the food tasteless nowadays. You are sure he noticed, or else he would not have been so unsure of himself around you lately.

_He used to let you grab his hand but now he comes to grab yours. _

_He used to not let his affections show in front of anyone but the last time he even kissed you in front of his mother._

He said he has his reasons. You never said you would understand.

So you do not care anymore. He hurt you, so why can't you hurt him back? You know you should not here at this time when everybody else is somewhere else celebrating his wedding, but then again – who cares? You know very well he has ordered for you not to go wandering outside alone without anyone to protect you. But you don't care, you honestly don't. Not at this wretched moment. The world can fall apart and kami-sama can descend, you will still not care and go your own way. Then the inevitable happens – you realize: you are not alone. You sigh, after all you are precious to him and everybody wants a piece of him. You _are_ his biggest weakness – he knows, you know, and everybody knows.

Even now that he has made his choice of life partner, they still come after you for some reason. So you tell the intruder coolly the following, something that you even surprise yourself in saying, "Go ahead and do whatever you want with me. I _really_ don't care if I live or die."


	2. alpha ii

10 Obligations, duties and the _other_ woman

"I think she likes you Sesshomaru-sama."

He lets out a weak smile at her naiveté. "Oh, where did you gather that?" "She praised you didn't she?" She smiles and continues, "Sesshomaru-sama is good-looking and powerful. It is only natural that you are popular with women!"

He examines her closely. _Does she not mind the other woman?_ He muses. He knows he would mind if there is another man. In a smaller voice, she adds, "She is really beautiful, and she looks powerful too. A good match with you, Sesshomaru-sama."

"Rin, sometimes some things and some people are merely obligations or duties." Going along with the marriage is just his way of fulfilling his obligations and duties. If there were things that he knew for sure, one would be that women who "fall in love" or are "interested" with him are merely fixated on his looks, his status, and his prowess – they often have no idea who he is _and_ therefore he has no interest in who they are either. This other woman is no exception. "Obligations or duties?" As she contemplates his words with a frown on her sweet face, he upholds his straight face on the outside but is amused all over again by her innocence on the inside.

"Sesshomaru-sama, am I obligation or duty?"

Seeing no one else in sight, he pulls her into his embrace and kisses her.

"No."

11 Responsibility

_Magatsuhi, what a formidable foe – even I, Sesshomaru for a moment thought that I might die in his hands. I have better proceed with caution from now onwards._  
Totosai: It's done – the shreath for Bakusaiga.  
_Finally. Rin is still in the hut… good. Knowing her…  
_Jaken: Ah?  
_Better leave before she realizes..._  
Rin: Wait Sesshomaru-sama!  
_Jaken, you idiot._  
Rin: Kohaku has not yet woken up, could we perhaps wait a while longer?  
_This is not going to be easy._  
"I am leaving without Kohaku."  
_Here goes._  
"Rin, you too."  
_Please don't make this more difficult than it has to be._  
Rin: Why Sesshomaru-sama?  
_Silly girl. Don't you understand?  
_Rin: I refuse! I want to go with you!  
_Silly girl._  
Jaken: Rin, stop being wilful. You've got to at least know some restrain!  
_You must know that I'll be back for you._  
Jaken: Sesshomaru-sama is born to engage in battles. Rather it has been you silly kids to tag along up to now that has been strange!  
_Like always._  
"Jaken, you too. Stay."  
_I need to focus. _  
Jaken: Wh..why Sesshomaru-sama? I refuse! I want to go with you!  
_Why is he such an idiot?_  
Inuyasha: Sesshomaru, are you going to go after Magatsuhi?  
_You were devastated during the last battle weren't you? I knew, I could smell your tears.  
_ "He is my prey."  
_Believe in me._  
Totosai: Isn't that a good thing? As Magatsuhi is not from this world, the only one who can slay him would be Sesshomaru.  
_T__hat creature – I have inscribed his scent in my memory. I will definitely kill him with my own hands! _  
(Leaps into the air.)  
Jaken: Sesshomaru-sama!  
_I'll come back for you Rin. I promise._

_Wait for me._

(Written while reading manga chapter 519. Translation is done directly from the raw.)_  
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12 Home

He used to wander from place to place without a location that he could call home to come back to.

She used to live by herself in a broken dilapidated hut ever since the rest of her family had perished, one so cold and run-down that one could hardly call it "home".

It is not clear when did it start, but somewhere in time he begin to go back to wherever she is. As for her, she would wait patiently for him to come home to her.

_Home_ for them is not a structure that consists of one roof and four walls.

_Home_ for them is where they can find each other.

_He_ is her home. _She_ is his.

13 Strength

She cannot help but chide at her son for his ridiculous request. "So the rumors are true huh? You have indeed grown soft and become a human-lover." She lets out an insinuating laugh, "You have definitely inherited your father's legacy, and by that I _do_ mean _beyond_ inheriting Tenseiga."

Sesshomaru glares at her coldly. He is not here to pick a fight. Neither is he here by choice. While he dislikes his mother, he does know that if there were someone he could wholly entrust Rin to while he has to be gone from her side for a long time, it would be his mother.

She has seen _it_ before when Sesshomaru came to her to learn more about the sword he had gotten from her dead husband. She was aware that Sesshomaru had at that time already displayed some kind of unusual attachment to _it_, but she had not taken her son seriously at that time. To her, the human girl_ is just a phase_. A phase that he would most probably snap out of in due time – after he has gotten over his curiosity, he would become sick of _it_ (She is convinced too that if her husband had lived long enough, it would have been the same for him too.). It would not be any different now. Her son just needs more time than she thought to get over his inquisitiveness. Given enough time, he would surely discard that _thing_ aside and move on. _She is very confident of that_.

"Well then, enlighten me Sesshomaru. What is your business with that thing that is _weak_ and _needs constant safekeeping_?" Without blinking an eye Sesshomaru retorts, "Strength is relative." It has taken him a long time to recognize that, but _now_ he has learnt well that brute strength is hardly the most expansive kind of strength. He sneers, "Her strength way surpasses yours, but I don't expect someone of your caliber to understand."

14 Indifference

Naruku had been slayed and Kohaku somehow kept his life. Kohaku was thankful and grateful towards Sesshomaru, but most of all, he had admired him. Sesshomaru was sometimes harsh towards him, but he treated him like an equal and had saved him from time to time. To him, although Sesshomaru was not demonstrative of his affections and spoke very little, he knew that he cared a lot from the way he took care of Rin and him. Sesshomaru gave him a sense of security and he liked a lot being with Rin. Above all, he still felt guilty over what he did after being possessed by Naraku and did not wish to be Sango's burden. So he went after Sesshomaru and asked if he could come with them. Sesshomaru glanced at him expressionlessly at him out of the corner of his eyes and replied coldly, "No." He wanted to protest, but Sesshomaru was simply not interested to listen as he just walked away and left. It was only then that Kohaku realized that Sesshomaru _actually_ could not care less about him – his first harsh lesson of how sometimes one could act out of empathy or obligation or even sympathy, and that does not always mean one genuinely cares.

15 Things with a shape

"Sesshomaru-sama, thank you." Rin turns away from him to put _it_ away. She lowers her head.

"But…" She pauses, as if unsure of what to say next.

He is watching her closely. He would like to think it has been his imagination, but it is clear to him now that something is bothering her. It kills him to not know what.

With her face shielded from him with her back, she utters, "Sesshomaru-sama, please don't give me any more things with a shape."

"Anything with a shape will break someday. I don't want anymore things that can break."

There is a tone of stubbornness in her voice that he does not like.

16 Unworthy

_Stay with me. I will protect you from harm… and from him._

He says to her as he secures her into his embrace and lets her bury her face on his chest. She sobs and sometimes murmurs something. While he is not able to make out what, he is content. He likes the feeling of her secure in his arms.

_He is unworthy of her. He only knows to string her along. She is too gullible for him._

"Kohaku," she finally speaks in an audible voice. "Go find a nice girl to marry, be happy and forget about me."

_What nonsense is she talking about?_

_No_… he whispers in her ears. _I only want you._

It is true. There is no one else in this world he would ever desire this much.

"I'm unworthy of you. I've been with Sess…" 

He stops her speech with a kiss on her lips. He stubbornly holds her even tighter in his arms.

_I don't care_. _You are the only one I want. It has always been you. It will always be you_.

17 Scent

Sesshomaru has always loved Rin's scent. It is true that she always smells of the nature and of flowers, but for him her scent is much more than that. Her scent is what he craves for after killing. Her scent has always been what he comes home for. No demon could smell this good and no human could smell this sweet. There is something about her scent that could satisfy him in a way that no other could. It would not be an exaggeration to say that Sesshomaru is _addicted_ to Rin's scent.

But lately, Sesshomaru could not help but feel that Rin bathed too often and smelled "too good" – like as if she is attempting to cover up something with excessive flowery smells. No, he tells himself. She must have just wanted to smell good for him. He trusts her.

18 Blush

The color starts from her cheeks and spreads rapidly down her neck _and beyond_. Perhaps it is not meant for him to see, but somehow it is simply there for him to witness. Her flesh is pink in contrast to what he remembers it to be pale beige on a normal day.

It started on a causal day and from a causal event. A lesson in wielding a sword was to be given. He thought she has grown big enough to hold a weapon. He had wanted her to be strong. He had also noticed how she was shy around him. He believed it to be his imagination. Years might have passed since he took her in under his care, but she was still herself and he was still himself – nothing had changed, _he thought_.

That causal day that causal event showed him how wrong he was.

As he came close behind her cupping his hand around hers to show the moves – she trembled and blushed.

Never has anyone blushed like this for him. Never has he seen her blushed like this for anyone else. His face might have been serious, his mind was in fact distracted.

It was then onwards that he realized how real the changes were. Her age may be tender but her body was no longer one of a child. He swore it was not his fault – it was _the blush_ that beckoned his eyes to trace downwards her neck and her collarbone, her chest and her breast, and further beyond. There was something inviting about the pink. The wicked part of him had not stopped at where her clothes began – _his interest fuelled by sinful thoughts_.

If that was the beginning, there is certainly no end. Time after time, she trembles around him when he comes close. Again and again, she blushes under his gaze. Indecent thoughts of her have not come to him before but then onwards it just would not leave him alone. He starts to look forward to every lesson, whereas his aim has never really been for the sake of imparting any skills.

Bit by bit, he yearns for more. He finds himself wanting her the way he never thought he would. Then there would come a time when he is no longer content with her blushing wearing clothes – as he _needs_ to know how far that blush goes.


	3. alpha iii

Summary:

Walls to climb. Battles to fight. Dilemmas to overcome. Choices to make. This is life.

19 Convictions

"_All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last."_

– _Marcel Proust_

Certain aspects in life are irreconcilable, no one knows this better than you.

Just like your demon heart belong to a human girl, but your mind refuses to give in.

Not that you have no feelings for her (_she definitely moves your heart like no other_).

Not that you have never been tempted to conquer her mind, her soul and above all – her body (_she has certainly proved to be quite a challenge even for your iron will_).

Yet you let yourself be convinced (_while your mother thinks she was the one who convinced you_) that marriage to another same as yourself works the best for everyone

Because no matter how much the heart yearns, some facts of life simply cannot be altered (_just like how she is human and you are demon_).

You often chide yourself for being such a coward (_deep down in you lurks the fear that you cannot handle the reality_).

But you know how cruel the world is out there (_you know your offspring with her will not fit the norm_).

So you resort to building a wall in between (_so that she does not come close enough_).

You go along with your mother's plan (_you take another demon as life-partner, produce full-pledged demon children, fulfill your duty, no undesirable future scenario_).

At the same time, you attempt to cheat destiny (_you still want her to stay by your side_).

For that you would rather turn a blind eye to her pain than to relent (_you know very well she is hurt by your actions_).

You thought her unparalleled devotion would bend her enough to see past this (_she says herself again and again how she wants to stay by your side forever_).

By the time you realize she is gone, driven away by your deeds –

YOU ARE BROUGHT TO YOUR KNEES BY YOUR OWN CONVICTIONS.


	4. alpha iv

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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this piece of writing. Takahashi Rumiko owns them.

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20 Changes 

She is sure that someone had called out to her but when she looks around there was no one there, so she walks on. "Rin…!" She turns around and sees no one again. Then she feels a small thud at her foot. It is Jaken. She smiles at the toad and gets on her knees. "Jaken-sama, were you calling me just now? Sorry that I didn't see you." "Rin, where have you been? You are such a handful! Why do I always have to be stuck with you?" Seeing that Rin just stares at him without responding, he starts to get nervous. "Rin, what are you staring at?" Rin shakes her head sympathetically. "Jaken-sama, it is just me or is it true that you are getting smaller?" "You stupid girl, I am not getting smaller! It is just that you are getting bigger that's why I look smaller! Why do you only get bigger and not cleverer? You need to grow more brains than grow more height! You are really stupid!" Rin shakes her head again. "Jaken-sama, you have better grow some inches soon or else you'll have to find someone else your own size to pick on!" While Jaken fumes at her words, Rin giggles at herself teasing Jaken. "You brat! How dare you say something as disrespectful as that to me!"

"Jaken-sama, I'm not being disrespectful, I'm just stating to the facts! You know, in the past when I talk to you, I just have to lower my head like… this. Now, I have to lower my head to _like… this_." Rin lets out an exaggerated sigh. "I can never figure out how Sesshomaru-sama talks to you. It's so tiring!" "Rin you rascal! Is this how you repay me? By laughing at me? After all the times I looked out for you, take care of you and made sure you don't get into trouble…. #$&" Rin finds Jaken looking so cute when he is angry that she starts to laugh even louder, annoying Jaken even more. For her, no matter how much or how often Jaken nags or scolds her, she would never take it to heart, as she knows that he does care about her at the bottom of his heart and that is enough for her.

"Jaken-sama, why were you looking for me?" Jaken freezes for a while as he realizes that he has forgotten to do what he came here for in the first place. "It's Sesshomaru-sama, he has returned and has asked for you." "Sesshomaru-sama has returned?" Rin's face immediately lights up with utmost enthusiasm. Excited to see him, she gets up in a flash and starts to run back. "Rin… wait up for me!" "Jaken-sama, you'll have to also start growing some length at your legs! You're going to be left behind…"

21 Being mother of Sesshomaru

"You've certainly _outdone_ your father Sesshomaru! Your father didn't even try to take the liberty of taking his human out of _its_ natural habitat. _You_, in contrast, uprooted _it_ from the human community and dragged _it_ all over the place with you? And now you would have her live amongst _us_?"

Being mother of Sesshomaru is no easy task, this she can assure you. She could not understand her own son anymore, his actions and his decisions. Yes, her husband had regarded humans an interesting species too, but this is _her son_ in question. She had expected more from him.

She sighs. She remembers Sesshomaru to be sensitive towards her and well behaved as a child. Her most cherished memory of young Sesshomaru was one of the rare times when he was granted a visit to her. As it is a practice for first-borns to be taken away from their mothers and brought up by wise and knowledgeable figures from the father's side, she saw her son very little and never had the chance to bond with him. She was depressed then as she had not expected married life to be this dry – not only was her only child taken away from her, she hardly saw her husband as they lived apart in different households. Although she knew from the start that their marriage was a diplomatic union, the young and idealistic side of her had expected more than just intimacy for the sake of producing an heir. As soon as she was with a child, he stopped coming over to see her altogether. She had pined for her husband's attention, but it only got lesser and lesser after the birth of their son. She did not shed a tear when he passed on – not because she was not sad about his death, just that she had hardly knew him.

Then Sesshomaru was about five (calculated in human years), after he made a formal entrance and expressed suitable greetings to her, she had asked for him to approach her so that she could take a good look at him. After she fussed over his attire and questioned his habits, he had surprised her with his enquiry, "Dear mother, are you sad?" Taken aback by his question, she had asked him why did he ask that. His reply was, "Your eyes have so much sadness in them." She had not know what to say but Sesshomaru had already went on to assure her that he would stay by her side that day so that she would not be lonely anymore. It was true. He kept her company the whole day telling her about his training, showing her what he could already do with his claws, reciting for her his favorite stories and poems, singing songs for her and falling asleep in her lap while she combed his hair. Like all mothers, she wished that her son could remain a child. Everything would be much simpler.

_What's wrong with you that father has to bed a human for satisfaction?_ It had felt like yesterday everyday that he threw that insult at her. She could not understand how he could become this self-contradicting. "To think that you refused to speak to your mother for a couple of decades because of your father's insignificant adventure with a human, now you are coming to terms with your mother because of your _odd_ undertaking of a human." She is just within an inch of throwing a similar affront back at his face.

She is irritated. She has bore a son with an erratic temperament. As if that was not enough, now he wants her to take in a human girl – no demon mothers should be made to endure such a humiliation! Why did no one tell her before that motherhood could be this hard?

22 Nightmare

She still wakes up from time to time sweating, panting and trembling in fear. Sometimes it is from her dreaming the scene where her family was slaughtered in front of her. Other times she is running away from wolves pursuing her. But these dreams are nothing compared to the one where she is traveling with Sesshomaru and Jaken the one moment, and she finds herself all alone or amongst people she does not recognize the next moment. In these dreams, she is left behind by her protector on purpose to fend for herself and no matter how much she protests or attempts to run after him, no one hears or comforts her and she could never find him back anymore.

For her, this is what she would truly call "a nightmare".

23 Intimacy

It is never meant to be an act of lust. It is simply a pure need for closeness and understanding. Anyone who walks this earth would at times have this experience – like as if the whole world is against you. It feels like as if no one understands you. This happens even to great demons. Actually, it happens especially to great demons.

But not her. In fact, except her. She would never be against you. She always understands you. Most importantly, she always accepts you – your actions, who you are and _what_ you are. She does so regardless of whether she agrees with you or fully comprehends the meaning behind your actions. She may be full of love and gives it away freely to everyone and anyone – but you know better: you know that her deepest affections and her most profound admiration are reserved for you and you only. She stands firm and determined in her choice – she matches up to you in that. That is why you always go back to her. No matter how far you have to travel, or how redundant it might have been, you find yourself eventually home with her. Wherever the rest of the world may be standing, you know in your gut that she will be there standing half a step behind you.

Deep at night, when everyone has retired, you return. Not to your own chambers, but to hers. You really just want to look at her. She looks very peaceful in her sleep and you like to see that. Then there comes a time that she woke up in your company. She might have been taken aback, but she was not totally displeased with the discovery. Instead of sending you away, she said it was alright if you want to share her futon (Japanese style "bed"). Although you were unsure if that was a good idea, you did not want to be alone. So you slipped into her futon and watch her sleep next to you. It gave you contentment like never before. Gradually you feel less reserved about laying next to her at night for comfort. Slowly it becomes a routine.

Now you often nestle next to her in the wee hours of the morning. If you wake her up, you would expect her to say, "_Okairi_ (welcome home), Sesshomaru-sama." Whether she is awake or not, you would always whisper to her, "_Tadaima_ (I'm home), Rin."

Every time without fail, you always think to yourself – how good it feels to have something like this to come home to.

You cannot remember when is the last time you genuinely feel this happy.

24 Birthday present

Demons live such a long life that birthdays holds no meaning for them, therefore majority of them do not bother to know, remember or celebrate when they are born. Humans are different as having a finite lifespan the passing of each birthday is a point worth celebrating.

If Rin were to recall her memories of her family, she tend to refer to the fond memories of her birthdays where her family would spoil her with her favorite dishes and sweets. She could also let her best friends come over for dinner and spend the night. Her most vivid memory was one where her father took her on a surprise trip to a farm for a pony ride. She could still remember how fresh the grass smelled that day and how coarse the hair of the pony that she had ridden that day felt.

Over the period that she followed Sesshomaru on Aun's back, she had not once mentioned about her birthday. Finally a few years after they stopped wandering around, and when she eventually dwelled on the fact that she has not celebrated her birthday for a very long time, she finally went to Sesshomaru to ask for her first birthday present from him – a lock of his silver mane in a purple pouch.

Not only did Sesshomaru gave in to her request, he got her three sets of exquisite kimono, a jade pendant, made her a comb carved out of wood and caught her a lopped-ear rabbit from the forest. That night, he brought her to the highest point in the area to see the stars and the moon.

After that, Rin never missed another birthday.

25 First kiss

It happened very early to Rin that it occurred to her that she was thinking of her protector a lot – perhaps more than appropriate and sometimes in ways that were inappropriate. She knew something was different about her that made her feel different about him, although she could not put her finger on what it was exactly. He made her feel warm inside when he was around her, and made her burn within at the thought of him when he was not in sight. She trembled involuntarily at both his intense gaze and his physical touch. Soon she even found herself one day to be wondering how it might feel like to share a kiss with him. But no, this is all wrong. _Wrong wrong wrong_… she told herself. She had to remember what they told her if she did not want to risk being relinquished by Sesshomaru-sama. Furthermore Sesshomaru-sama would not stand for such nonsense from her either, she told herself. But the crazy thought and her curiosity just would not go away. So one day when she was spending time with Kohaku, she popped the atrocious question: "Kohaku, shall we kiss?" Just like that, she gave her first kiss away to someone whom she had regarded as a brother.

26 Betrayal?

They have their arms locked tightly around each other. Tears had been shed but now she has her eyes closed and seems to be rather comfortable in Kohaku's embrace. Kohaku runs his hand through her long brown hair as he kisses her again and again on her forehead. She then abruptly breaks away and says something to Kohaku.

His eyes turn crimson red, teeth tightly clenched, acidic poison uncontrollably seeps through the fingers of his tautly clasped fist as he watches this scene in front of him. Seeing Kohaku subsequently grabs Rin and plants a passionate kiss on her lips, perverse intense emotions and menacing killing intent consumes Sesshomaru from within.

27 Bent

You are ordinary.

_They often tell her how imperfect she is._

You are a lowly being.

_In the beginning she used to turn a deaf ear to these preaching._

You are so vulnerable.

_It used to be more bearable when she was younger._

You are so pathetic.

_Now that she has grown older, some things start to show._

You are a burden.

_Time and again they say to her._

You contribute no value to him.

_They never fail to point out how even greater he could be if not for her presence._

Your lifespan is so insignificant compared to ours.

_Sometimes she would like to think what they say is just blabber._

Why are you still here? 

_But recently their preaching is ringing louder in her head and hitting her harder._

Why do you not want to go back to your kind? 

_She is starting to doubt herself._

What exactly do you do for him? 

_She used to stand straight, eyes ahead, her smile bright, full of enthusiasm and dazzling – nowadays her head subtly lowered, eyes on the ground, smile forced and posture slightly bent._

You are a blemish in his majestic aura.

_Not that she actually believes what they say is true._

Do not expect anything if you choose to stay.

_Just that he seems to think like them of her too._

28 Grave

"Tou-san (father), kaa-san (mother), nii-chan (elder brother), how are you all doing?" Rin asks as she tidies up the area around the grave belonging to her family. It has been a few years that Rin goes back to visit the graves of her family every once a while. She goes there specifically on the birthday of any one of her family and their death anniversary. Sometimes she goes there just because she feels like it and today is one of "those days".

She lays the freshly plucked flowers on the grave. "These flowers are Sesshomaru-sama's favorite, do you all like it too?" _How much longer can I pick flowers for him?_ Rin sighs at the thought of her beloved protector. "Kaa-san, if only you are still with me. There are so many things I wish I could ask you. Now I have so many questions but no one to turn to for answers. Growing up… why does it have to be this difficult? Everything seems so much simpler in the past."

"Oh kaa-san, how did you love tou-san? How did tou-san love you? I think I love Sesshomaru-sama, but I don't know how I should love him. Nothing about me seems to be right, nothing I do can make anything right…" Rin forces a smile. "Tou-san, kaa-san, nii-chan, if you get to meet Sesshomaru-sama you all will like him too. There isn't anyone nicer, kinder and better than him in this world. He makes me feel…" she pauses to search for an appropriate word. "Safe." She nods. _Yes, he makes me feel safe and he gives me security. He is like… the wall that protects me. He is the pillar that supports my life... or perhaps, he is my life._ Fear creeps into her spine at the thought of her pillar falling away.

Unable to contain her sorrow, Rin bursts into tears. "Oh Tou-san, kaa-san, nii-chan, I don't know how I should get out of bed to face the day anymore! He marries someone else, then I'll go and marry someone else too. He only has me in his heart, then I'll only have him in my heart. I'm your daughter, if they are not happy about that, that's nothing I can do about it. But with him treating me this way, I can't live any much longer!"

29 Osuwari

"Inuyasha, osuwari!" At Kagome's command, Inuyasha slams face down into the ground.

The first time Rin witness this was when she was eight. Sesshomaru had then left her and Jaken behind with Inuyasha's group while he went after Magatsuhi. At that time she was taken by surprise Kagome's power over him and thought Inuyasha looked kind of funny, so she broke into laughter involuntarily. Her laughter was curbed promptly by the stop-laughing-or-else look Inuyasha threw at her in her direction.

The second time when she sees this she was already older. She was riding Aun towards the village to look for Kohaku and upon landing that moment Inuyasha had his face pounded down into the ground at her feet. As Inuyasha looked really comical to be "slammed down" at the exact moment when she touched down, she could not help but burst into laughter. She stopped immediately when Inuyasha gave her an intense I-hate-you look.

The third time when she encounters this similar scene, she has grown older again. This time she did not laugh, she just looked on at the squabbling couple Kagome and Inuyasha with a lot of curiosity. She smiled and thought to herself, "they must really love each other a lot to be able to quarrel like this with each other all the time." She dismissed her curiosity.

The fourth time when she is confronted with this, she has once again gained a couple of inches of height. This time round she could not shake off her concern anymore. So she went to Kagome and asked her, "Why do you that?" Kagome replied, "Inuyasha's attitude is terrible. Someone needs to keep him in check or else he wouldn't learn." She could not comprehend when she meant, so she went to Kohaku with the same question. Kohaku tried his best to explain to her, but she shook her head in disagreement. "I thought Kagome-sama loves Inuyasha-sama. If she loves him, why does she do that to him?" Kohaku ran out of breathe that day in his effort to make her understand why Kagome did what she did, Rin simply could not come to terms with his explanation.

Now that she has grown to become taller and prettier than Kagome or Sango, she is once again there to witness Kagome "osuwari" Inuyasha down. This time she closes her eyes to what she sees – and wonders how does Inuyasha feel. As much as she likes Kagome a lot, she is still unable to understand how she can claim to love Inuyasha but yet keep him in chains.

* * *

End of alpha themes. Please come back to read my beta themes! 


	5. beta 1 part 1

Chapter note: Two stories, two twists - same walls to conquer.

30 Promise

With her eyes, she traces the outline of the Prussian blue crescent on his forehead, the magenta strips at the side of his face and the markings on his eyelids. Her eyes rest on the sword Tenseiga that is secured at his waist. The crescent imprint marks his birthright, the demonic markings his inheritance as a great demon, and the sword his father's legacy for him. She may not understand entirely what does his birthright entitle him to, what does pride as a great demon entail, or his need to persist in unraveling the mystery of his father's legacy, but most of all she could never get how people could go on and on about how powerful and perfect he is, although she does acknowledge his prowess and invincibility. To her, not only he is far from perfection, his fragility is often so readily visible to her. Through her eyes, she sees how he should have shined in eminence but is instead limited by the cage he put himself in as a result of the compulsion from his birthright, inheritance and his father's legacy. When he acquired Bakusaiga, Toutousai's words to him were, "you have surpassed your father." _What exactly did he mean by that?_ Even with her eyes closed, she can still see it: the perverseness and brokenness in him.

_He needs to be cared for_, she thinks to herself. Upon a shooting star, she closes her eyes and makes a silent promise to him – she is going to untwist all the twisted parts in him, mend together the broken pieces in him, and find the key to this cage for him (how, although she does not know yet).

Her biggest wish is for him to soar high and free, and become the greatness he is meant to be.

31 Chains

He has never made it a secret that he cares about her. But what is unknown is how much does he really care?

He was willing to adapt to her vulnerable needs and make adjustments to accommodate her when she first started to travel with him.

He was willing to give up the pursuit of Naraku once to go after her.

He is no longer willing to do unnecessary killings, especially in front of her.

He would protect her from any kind of harm and hostilities.

He would abandon a fight to save her when she is in danger.

He has went up against purifying holy powers and braved through hell to save her, and he would do it again anytime if he has to.

For some reason his self-loathing would kick in when she shed tears, especially when it is because of him.

He tolerates her time-to-time willfulness in a way he never puts up with anyone else's.

He gradually resumes more and more responsibility for her safety and well being that he even decides to seek out the mother that he barely knew and had for a long time despised.

He is even willing to turn a blind eye to the names that people call him behind his back for his desire to keep her by his side.

He cares about her enough to restrain himself with her – as he knows that some things are better left unsaid, some emotions better left unexpressed, and some love better left chained up deep within and never be set free.

32 Blind love

She said yes to his request, even though it was truly an absurd one and her decision to concur possibly damaging to her reputation.

Perhaps Sesshomaru has been disrespectful towards her and distant from her, she still said yes and it was not because she had no choice or that he had no one else to turn to.

Perhaps she could never bring herself to genuinely like the human girl, she still said yes because he is her son and he had asked.

Perhaps she may later come to regret her decision when confronted by the likeliness of recurring events that had took place between her late husband and a human woman many decades ago, she still would have said yes to his request because she is his mother and he, her son, had asked.

People say that there is no love as blind as one that a mother has for her child, and this might hold true even for demons.

[Written alongside one-shot "Unsaid". Drabbles #13 and 21 are backdated pieces as sideline support for the same one-shot.

33 A Dark Hair Demon

Tall and lean in build, he walks around with an air of overbearing arrogance. Like Sesshomaru, he has a crescent imprint on his forehead and demonic strips at the side of his face. Also like Sesshomaru, he is feared and his name must be addressed with the honorific suffix of "sama" (although it is for different reasons from Sesshomaru). But unlike Sesshomaru, he does not possess narrow amber eyes, a head of silver mane, a luxurious mokomoko in his humanoid form or wears white. Instead, he has unruly ash-black hair, big glaring grey-blue eyes and often appears in grayish attires.

Rin used to not liked or disliked him in particular. She understood from Jaken that he is a very distant relative of Sesshomaru and is here for some reason in relation to Sesshomaru's mother. Sesshomaru has asked her to steer clear of him. Jaken always seemed to be more nervous than usual whenever he was in the vicinity. She was just glad that he has never taken much notice of her – he has never bothered to throw her a glance or answer back when she bows her head slightly to greet him upon crossing paths.

But ever since _that incident_, he started to take a strange interest in her – a change that she neither expected nor welcomed. While she tried her very best to avoid him, he still somehow managed to find ways to pop up around her uninvitedly with a smirk on his face and an overly presumed close address of "Rin-chan".

34 Red Snow

She does not know how long did she pass out. She also does not remember how far did she stagger from where she was wounded. All she remembers is the unsolicited company of a particular dark haired demon in her private garden when she had willfully ran away in her grief from attending the wedding ceremony that she was expected by all, especially _him_, to be present.

She does not want _him_ to find her – not because she is bitter that he has chosen to take another as his life-partner instead of her, she just does not want him to be sad were he to find her in such a sorry state. She recalls saying to herself "this should be far away enough" before losing consciousness.

It is dark. It is night. It is cold. It has been snowing. While thick layers of her kimono shields her from the cold of the ground that she has been laying on, she could still feel the coolness of the snow. Closing her eyes, she imagines herself being enveloped by a sea of whiteness. _White is Sesshomaru-sama_… she says softly. She smiles, as she remembers the game she used to play while waiting for him to return to her: she used to look around and collect things that are white in the forest. Even as a grown up she still keeps a look out for beautiful objects that are white.

A nauseous feeling comes to her causing her turn over to cough. She could taste blood in her mouth. _I guess the snow is not white but red because of me, _she muses in amusement as she imagines her wounded body staining the snow on the ground that she is laying on red. She gathers the last of her strength and turns over to lie on her back. As she lies there, she notices how the moon is crescent tonight instead of being round. She has always loved the moon to be in the shape of crescent more than anything else – it reminds her of him.

As fatigue invades every part of her body, the heaviness of her eyelids is simply too much to bear. She knows that if she were to close her eyes now, she may never open them again. To be honest, the thought scares her – "what happens after this?" she could not help but wonder. Nevertheless she consoles herself that she has cheated death one too many times because of him, and she is genuinely grateful for all the good memories he gave her over the years. Yes, perhaps the good things could not lasted forever, but then again, _who needs forever?_ _I would never trade these few years of happiness with you for anything else. _Corners of her lips upturn in a smile at the thought. Nothing could be more complete than such an end, she decides as she lets her eyelids drop.

_But _when she realizes that she would _never_ be able to see him again, a gush of heartache wells up in her chest. She lets out a cry as tears of regret flows from her eyes as she reaches for the deep-purple embroidered pouch that she carries close to her heart and clenches it in her fist.

It is only there and then she realizes that what is even harder than letting go – is the holding on.


	6. beta 1 part 2

35 Outburst

She grits her teeth. Her face is red from fluster. It is not in her temperament to be like this normally, but the remark was just too much. Before she knows what she is doing, she has already done it – she has slapped him on his face.

"Say what you like about me, but please don't _ever_ say that about Sesshomaru-sama again!"

Jaken is so shocked that he could not find his tongue to say anything meaningful for the next few moments. Sesshomaru's mother, instead of the usual weary face that she wears around Rin, stares at her wide-eyed. The dark-haired demon, who is on the receiving end of Rin's outburst, cups his cheek, slides his tongue over his teeth and looks at her with renewed interest while letting out a strange laugh.

36 Protective

"Zesshinmaru (絶心丸, ゼツシンマル)."

The dark-haired demon jumps at hearing his name being called. Walking down one of the dark passageways of the premises, a usual route for him, he has not expected company.

He whips around. "Sesshomaru?" He rolls his eyes. "Do you have to appear like this unannounced from behind?" Sesshomaru looks at him in disgust that he could not sense his presence.

"You have been showing yourself around Rin very often nowadays – what are you up to?"

"Oh Sesshomaru, you have been spying on me so to say?" He trails his tongue along his teeth. "Your little human wench had some nerve to embarrass me in the presence of others, do you think I'm going to let the matter rest just like that?" Sesshomaru narrows his eyes. "What do you want? Name your terms and leave her alone."

"Sesshomaru, so protective of her? How sweet. What do I want? What an interesting question." The dark-haired demon runs his tongue over his teeth.

"You know, sometimes I think I can almost understand why you are so smitten with such a lowly human wench. I do notice how they tend to have a more…" He pauses in a false pretence of pondering. "… alluring scent, and their skin seems kind of softer to touch. I must confess that there is something rather intriguing about them being so vulnerable and weak in contrast to our great demonic indomitability."

"Actually there is indeed something that I have always been wondering, namely – how does it feel to be…" He looks at Sesshomaru in the eye. "… intimate with a human?" Temperature of the amber gaze drops to minus zero degrees. "I must admit that she is rather… _tantalizing_ when her skin turns all pink. You know, like how when she comes out of the hot spring _hot_." He lets out a snigger. "Just one night and I'll let bygones be by…"

He does not even have the chance to gasp when Sesshomaru grabs him by the neck and slams him faced down onto (into) the ground. Sesshomaru twists his arms hard to pin him to the ground and one of his deadly claws bolts his neck, pressing his face mercilessly against the unforgiving surface.

"Zesshinmaru – you piece of trash." Sesshomaru hisses. "Don't think just because you bed my mother I would blink an eye when I dispatch you. Go near Rin again I will slit your miserable throat with this claw. Make one more wrong move you'd better start worrying when you go to bed with a head whether if you'd have one to wake up with!"

37 Wrong place, wrong time, wrong room (?)

"Rin…! Are you still in your room?" Hearing no answer, Jaken knocks on the door again. "Rin, are you in your room?" There is still no answer. "Maybe she is still sleeping?" He murmurs. He sighs. "Why am I always stuck with silly errands like this instead of traveling alongside Sesshomaru-sama?" He thinks aloud.

He pushes the door open. Because this is Rin, he does not really care if it is rude or inappropriate for him to enter her chamber like this. Because this is Rin, he does not care about his use of language or his manners.

Upon entering the room, the first thing that strikes him as odd is the smell of sake or something like it. Then there is the messy spread of clothes on the floor. The windows are closed hence the room is dimly lit. He accidentally steps on a piece of clothing and trips. "Argh… Rin you brat! Why do you leave your clothes lying all over the floor? Waiting for a maid to clean up for you?" "As if you'll ever have one." He grumbles under his breathe. He gets on his feet and kicks away pieces of material in his way hatefully. "Untidy little brat."

He hears a sound of stirring from the bed. "Rin, are you still sleeping? Get up, Gobodou-sama has sent for you." Still getting no reply, he decides that the windows have to be opened first to let rays of sunshine through before the lazy girl would wake up. He climbs on a chair, steps on the dresser and leaps onto the window-ledge. Little does he know but a pair of amber eyes is fixated on his back.

"Jaken."

Jaken freezes at the familiarity of the voice.

"Get out."

Jaken slowly withdraws the hand that he has stretched out to reach the windows and turns around. Upon meeting the icy stare of two amber eyes, he jerks so hard that he falls off the window-ledge. He quickly gets on his feet in flurry.

"Sess… Sesshomaru-sama? What… what are you doing here? Eh? Is this not Rin's room? I'm in the wrong room?"

"Get out."

"Ye…yes! Sesshomaru-sama! I'm sorry for waking you up… please accept my apologizes…"

By now the pair of ambers eyes is not only glaring at him in increasing displeasure, they are also gradually emitting rising murder intent.

"Yes! I'm going now! I'm going now…"

As he scrambles for the door, he hears a stirring from the bed and a female voice asking, "Sesshomaru-sama, are you leaving me already?" He does not dare to look back but what he hears is enough to traumatize him for a very long time to come.

"Never." He hears his master retort back. "That was not what I meant." He hears the girl, who is nothing but a hopeless human brat in his eyes, giggles in amusement.

(Written for "Disbelief" of one-shot "Unsaid".)

38 Misgiving

_Why did Sesshomaru-sama come and look for me?_

"I don't want to see your face anymore."

_Why did Kohaku come and look for me?_

"Rin-chan?"

_How did Kohaku know where to find me?_

"Rin-chan, are you listening to what I am saying?"

_How did Kohaku know which way to go? He has never been here…_

"Ye… yes, Gobodou (honorable respected mother)-sama."

_Should I try to apologize? Sigh, she wouldn't even look at me in the eye once, I guess she is never going to forgive me, no matter what I say_._ It seems clear that she blames it all on me._

"You do understand that you are to leave here immediately."

_How did things come to this? Where should I go?_

"I am giving you three days' grace to leave. After three days I don't want to see your face around here anymore."

_Sigh, from the look of things, the only thing I can do now is to leave. She is not going to listen to what I have to say._

"Gobodou-sama, I am sorry for all the trouble that I've caused today."

_I guess there is no point in asking for forgiveness or leniency._

(Performs a ceremonial curtsy.)

_I hope Sesshomaru-sama is all right._

"Gobodou-sama, thank you for your care and nurturing all these years."

_Where should I go?_

"Rin shall not forget the your kindness. Please take care of yourself."

_Will I ever see Sesshomaru-sama again?_

(Takes her leave.)

(Returning to her chamber. It is a very long walk from the main hall. Her chamber is at the furthest end wing of the premises.)

_If only Kohaku had not come. Why did he come? How did he know where to go to look for me?_

(Stops in her path. Absorbed in her thoughts.)

_What was Sesshomaru-sama doing at my garden? Isn't he supposed to… _(Bites her lips.)_ get married?_

(Raises her hand to rub her temples.)

_Why did Kohaku have to come? Why did he have to come?_

(Her eyes weary.)

_Actually this is not his fault. It is my fault. I shouldn't have led him on for so long. I should have been firm from the start. It is my own fault that things turned out this way. Sesshomaru-sama…_

(Closes her eyes.)

_Why am I… Why am I…_

"SUCH AN IDIOT!"

(Tears roll down her cheeks.)

_Sesshomaru-sama… Sesshomaru-sama… I'm sorry._

(Opens her eyes suddenly.)

_Would Sesshomaru-sama kill Kohaku?_

(Her hand covers her mouth.)

_I hope not…_

(Swallows.)

_Sesshomaru-sama, please don't kill Kohaku. Please don't…_

"Rin-chan!"

_Who…? Oh, it's him again. Sigh, why does he have to appear at this time?_

(Wipes the tears off her face. Gathers herself.)

"Oh, why do you always look like as if it is the end of the world when you see me?"

………

"Zesshinmaru-sama, you are so humorous. This is how I look when I am tired. It has been a long day for everyone. Zesshinmaru-sama, I should be asking you, what are you doing here at this late hour?"

"I'm waiting for you, Rin-chan."

_Waiting for me?_

(He moves closer towards her. She takes a step back.)

"I wanted to tell you what a good show you had put up for us today."

_Show? What is he talking about?_

(He tilts his head to one side.)

"You should have seen Sesshomaru's face when he saw you and your human boy together..."

(Her head jerks up. Her eyes wide.)

"Oh, that look on his face was _absolutely_ priceless!"

(Her eyes wavering.)

"Well Rin-chan, you look… stung."

(He moves closer towards her again. She takes two steps back.)

"Surely you didn't think that your dear Gobodou-sama had allowed you to stay here because she is doing her previous son a favor?"

(He glides his tongue over his teeth. Her lips quiver.)

(To be continued.)

39 Tombstone

Being taciturn may be part of his nature, but she knows him too well to know that today his silence is really a brooding frame of mind. As she adroitly undresses his armor – a skill ingrained into her from years of repeated execution – she secretly studies his handsome features from the corner of her eyes wondering what is on his mind while he stoically look past her the whole time. As she is done with laying the armor neatly aside, she realizes that she has nothing edible or drinkable in her chambers to offer him.

"Sesshomaru-sama, I'll go and get you some sake and some snacks from the kitchen. Please wait here, I'll be back before you know it!"

As she is about to turn around and dart off, he encircles her with his arms around her waist to enclose her into his embrace. She gasps in astonishment at his sudden display of affections as he buries his face in her soft tresses.

"Sesshomaru-sama, are you… not feeling well?"

"I just wish to stay like this with you for a while." He says quietly.

"Are you cold, Sesshomaru-sama?" She laughs sweetly and circles his waist with her arms in reciprocation. "If you're cold, I can hold you like this for as long as you like."

He lets out a quiet laugh and takes in the alluring scent of nature and flowers of her hair.

"Rin, don't die."

"Huh?"

"Don't die." He whispers. "Don't _ever_ leave me."

Earlier on he had stumbled upon a few miniature tombstones in his path, which had reminded him of her once, when she was still a child, bending over the tombstones asking him if he could kindly remember her when she dies. He has refused to consider all these years what would come after she passes on, but those tombstones – a reminder of her innocent request and a warning of how fast time could fly by – sends a chill down his spine in a way even the fear of death could not compete. _Rin, what should I do when you are no longer around anymore?_ The question plagues his mind ever since and would not go away.

"I won't." Her eyes flicker, but she is comforted by the fact that he could not see it.

"This is a promise?"

She nods and closes her eyes. Refusing to dwell on having made a promise to him that she could not possibly keep, she leans on him and places her palm on her beloved's chest, her ear presses against his heart to hear his heartbeat.

He wraps his arms more tightly around her as he reminisces the time when he had left her with Jaken in a human village to go after Magatsuhi a very long time ago, she had for the first time gotten upset with him for wanting to leave her behind and recollects how she used to be insecure and had often feared that he would forsake her for some reason.

His lips twist a bit in a weak bitter smile at the irony – who is the one who should be afraid of being abandoned?


	7. beta 2 part 1

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Note: For a very nice and fluffy Sesshomaru, please kindly look elsewhere. My Sesshomaru is dark and twisted, while not apparent in alpha, will be very visible in beta. Be warned. 

This set is Sesshomaru centric (at last!).

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40 Fear 

He thought he smelled blood, but then again he could not be sure. As part of his natural instincts, he followed the trail that his senses brought him and there she was – lying helplessly in a pool of blood and a couple of hungry wolves crowding around feasting on her… _Rin!_ Sesshomaru wakes up from his dream with a jerk.

No matter how powerful he is, no matter how many swords he would acquire, no matter how big his empire may get, none of these could ever take away his fear of losing her.

41 Jealousy

When he closed his eyes, what he saw comes to him as clear as if it is taking place right in front of his eyes again. He opened his eyes sharply and punched into the ground. As he repeatedly hammered his fist into the ground, it cracked into two. Everything that was alive in the ground died upon receiving the brunt of his (acidic) fury.

_Rin, this is not over yet._ He etched his resolve at the back of his head over and over. (That she belittled how much she meant to him, that she could unhinge him to such an extent, and that now he felt as if he needed her more than he needed air – simply made him want to hate her.) As he brooded on the intimate behavior of his ward and Kohaku, he clenched both his fists tightly and let his sharp claws dig into his own flesh to feel the sensation of burning acid.

Blood seeped beneath his claws and lingered there for days.

42 Asset

First, it was Jaken.

"Sesshomaru-sama, that human girl Rin has been following us around for a few weeks now, isn't it time to get rid of her?" You kept quiet. "May I ask why is she traveling with us?" You did not feel as if you owed him an explanation.

After a few years, he asked again. "Sesshomaru-sama, is Rin not getting too old to stay with us? Isn't it time to leave her with her own kind?" You ignored him as usual. "Sesshomaru-sama, I don't understand. Why do you insist on keeping Rin with you?" You were baffled by his ignorance. You questioned how was it that he could serve you for so long and yet not know the reason (but then again, it was really none of his business – his job was to do as he was told, not to ask questions unnecessarily).

Second, it was your mother.

"Sesshomaru, what is this human girl to you?" You did not think it was necessary to spell out something this obvious, so the only thing you said to her was, "What is your answer to my request?"

After a few years, she asked again. "Sesshomaru, what is the matter with you?" she sighed. "You are the lord of the Western lands, why are you…" she took a deep breath, "wasting your time on something like Rin-chan? Shouldn't you put your energies into more important matters?" You looked at her in utter disbelief, wondering how was it that she could be your mother and yet this lacking in perception, so you coolly replied, "You've never been much of a mother to me before, so don't bother to try to be one now."

Then there was Zesshinmaru.

"Sesshomaru, you are really a strange one. I don't think I can ever understand why why why do you keep a useless human like her as your pet for so many years. Don't tell me that you planning to keep her forever?" You never thought much of him, so you walked past him without even looking.

Is it really so difficult to see that the reason why you need her to stay by your side is because _she_ is your foremost strength, your greatest asset?

43 Knowledge

To you, dissecting people (or demons) in your mind is more than a second nature ingrained in you – it is actually a hobby, something that you like to do for fun. Nothing feels more satisfying than the knowledge of the other's weakness and every hidden fear.

In your view, there are basically three types of people in this world. People whom you place in the first group are allocated there mainly because of the aversion that they could somehow arouse in you (basically you consider yourself rather peace-loving – you have little interest in engaging yourself in business that do not concern you, but some people simply like to look for trouble). These people are the ones whom you normally devote the most time and effort in scrutinizing their mind and behavioral patterns. Luckily these are the same people who have the shortest life-span (oh yes, your death list is written into the stone) so they get erased quickly after being placed there, making room in your mind for you to ruminate other things.

People in the second group are a dubious lot. Your feelings towards this group is utmost ambivalent as on the one hand you hate to be associating with them (or to be associated with them), yet on the other hand it is inevitable for you to be linked to them (the most tricky part is when you are related to them by blood), so you mull over them sometimes when you have nothing better to do. But due to the non-hostile and non-threatening nature of these people to you (actually sometimes the reason is because their intelligence is so blatantly limited), you forbid yourself from wasting too much time musing about them (although the truth is that you could not care less).

People from the last group are the ones who mean something to you (by the way, for those not found in any of the three lists, they are as good as non-existent as far as you are concerned). It is a rather simple list as it is extremely infrequent that you put anyone there, hence once anyone makes it there, everything about that person would be contemplated by you inside out and outside in – not because you have to, but plainly because you enjoy thinking about _her_. Interestingly, when you analyze someone that long, it becomes even easy to evoke a reaction. Especially when it is someone as straightforward as her.

Like how you want to taste the warmth of her mouth but yet not prepared to ask. So one day you bewilder her by coming very close to her and then pull away slightly (you let her catch you drop your eye a bit.). You regard her intently. She is shy and meek as she always has been when you study her like this. You smirk behind your cool façade as you watch her blush, hear her heartbeat fasten, feel the deep but nervous thrill run through her body – you know her so well that you do not pull back and simply waited. Soon she is kissing you the way you want her to (and you can barely contain your smile at the thought of knowing how to take her apart and put her back).

You promise yourself that you would make her do it again.

44 Intruder

Rin opened her eyes blearily to stare at the ceiling. The sound of the impact of rain on the tile woke her. She has always been a light sleeper that rain striking the roof would most of the time wake her up in the middle of the night. As the erratic sound picked up more tempo and pitch, she realized that she could not simply close her eyes and go back to sleep. She pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked around her darkened room through the hazy vision of her sleepy eyes. She rubbed her eyes a little and let out a soft sigh. Stress from the day had tired her out so much that she had fell asleep earlier as soon as she hit the sack, but now that she was awake, she had the feeling that she would not be falling asleep anytime soon.

At this point, a loud crack of thunder echoed through the vacuous hallways. Rin let out a startled bleat and quickly retreated back into the comfort of her futon. She had always been petrified of thunder, however in the past when she could snuggle against him for comfort, thunder did not seem so terrifying then.

Tomorrow she would have to leave, but then again, perhaps "today" was already "tomorrow". She peered at the sight outside the window sadly – she had felt so alone the past three days and now it seemed that even kami-sama had abandoned her. Thoughts of the day flowed into her mind as she pondered about the future. Letting out a deep sigh, she closed her eyes and decided that she should force herself to go back to sleep instead of thinking over issues that had already been determined (she had already done too much of that in the day). Her only regret was that she had not said goodbye to him. "Would I see him again?" she wondered.

She shivered in her futon as a chilly draft flowed through the open window. As she sat up in annoyance, the thought that she _did_ close the window before retiring into her futon came to her. Shaking her head, she dismissed the thought and decided that maybe she did not after all. She got out of her warm futon reluctantly and crossed the room towards the window (the floor was wet, but she did not let that bother her). She had wanted to close the window immediately, but standing at it, she was captivated by the unsettling sight of trees swaying and bending in the direction of the winds. Tears welled up in her eyes – she felt exactly like the trees, being pushed around by circumstances and bent about by people around her. She blinked hard to stop the tears from spilling onto her cheeks. She had cried so much over the past few weeks and especially over the past few days. She decided that she had enough of crying. Crying was a sign of weakness – she was starting to hate herself for being this weak.

"What did you do to your hair?" a low voice sounded behind her.

Rin's heart thumped as she turned. For the next few moments, she and her intruder, who was dripping wet, regarded each other silently.

"You are all wet." She reached out to wipe off droplets of water on his face gingerly.

"Short hair looks nice on you." He raised his hand to brush her hair from her face gently.

His mere touch made her dizzy. In her eyes, there was longing.

As if reading her mind, he seized her hand and threaded his fingers between hers.

(To be continued)

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End chapter note: Every time when I type the name "Kohaku", my heart always skips a beat - because I thought that he is going to die on me somewhere in the manga series, and it would become really strange using a dead character in my story. Hmm, but it seems that Kohaku would not be dying after all (!?), I guess it is still possible that he competes with Sesshomaru for Rin... haha.

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Response to reader: 

People remark that my writing is quite confusing to follow. Concept of this series is that there are three types of drabbles, namely (1) character building/psychological break-down drabbles, (2) general Sessrin moments (most of the time have nothing to do with the story development) and (3) story-line dictated drabbles. In every set I try to give a balanced distribution of all three types of drabbles.

Type (1) drabbles are: #1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 12, 20, 22, 29, 30, 31, 40, 42, 43.

Type (2): #11, 18, 23, 24, 37, 39.

Type (3): #4, 6, 7, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 21, 25, 26, 27, 28, 32, 33, 34 (story A), 35, 36, 38 (story B), 41, 44 (B).

I hope this helps!

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Mood: cheerful

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	8. beta 2 part 2

45 Perfect

Perfect is the word demons often use to describe him. Regardless of they say, he knows himself that he is far from perfect (he is brutal, unkind, cold, manipulative, perverse, obnoxious… he could go on and on). Ever since she came into his life, he sees more clearly than before how that is the case.

Far from perfect is what demons often say about her. He knows too how some things they say could rightfully be regarded as flaws. Yet she is perfect to him and there is nothing about her that he would want to change.

Sometimes she makes him wish that he could be more perfect.

If only she knows.

46 Stirring

Demons don't love – as their first instinct is to kill and destroy. If he knows how to love, it is because she taught him how.

Demons don't kiss – as kissing is a sign of intimate affection and demons don't love. If he knows how kiss, it is because she showed him how.

Emotions don't come naturally to demons – as emotions are signs of sentiment and demons don't love. The more perfect the demon, the lesser the emotions. If he has emotions, it is because she has stirred his heart.

There is confusion, there is fear – when old convictions wear off along the way and new ones comes along, there is insecurity, uncertainty and the strange feeling of being at a loss because _this_ – is something logic could not ascertain him.

When she comes back to him at a point that he thought he had lost her a few years down the road, when she uses her finger to trace those wounds imperceptible by sight and soothes his hurt with her kisses, it finally strikes him – that _this_ is where he wants to be.

47 Not so innocent

Gently, he cups her cheek with his palm and directs her face close to his. "I love you," he whispers into her ears. "Come and live with me. I'll make you happy, I promise." He leans down and kisses her on her lips. It lasts for a few seconds before she gets a hold of herself and pushes him away.

Regarding him sadly, she shakes her head.

"Why?" confusion asperates his voice.

She opens her mouth slightly as if wanting to say something but no words come out. Dismayed, she looks away.

"Why do you always let him do this to you?"

"What do you mean?" she furrows her brows in incomprehension.

"Sesshomaru-sama is going to take some demon that he considers worthy of him to be his wife isn't he? Then why is he not letting you go? Why is he so selfish as to choose to keep you chained by his side? Why does he have to string you along like that? Since he has made up his mind he should let you go"

He grabs her by her lower arm. "You always let him do this to you."

"Kohaku," she shakes her head. "You must know that I'm really not so innocent."

(Story B)

48 Consequence

(Continued from #38 Misgiving & to be continued with #49 Weakness)

Zesshinmaru: Surely you didn't think that your dear Gobodou-sama had allowed you to stay here because she is doing her previous son a favor?

(Zesshinmaru sniggers.)

Zesshinmaru: Oh, how innocent! You actually thought that your Gobodou-sama is that nice to take you in for the sake of taking you in? Do you actually think that Osuke (大典、オオスケ)-sama is going to let a human jeopardize our lineage?

(He glides his tongue over his teeth.)

Zesshinmaru: Osuke-sama indulged in Sesshomaru's request and took you in because she thought that it would be best for everyone if Sesshomaru's fascination for human was allowed wear thin with time. But…

(He snorts.)

Zesshinmaru: A decade has since passed and Sesshomaru is still obsessed with you. It wasn't too bad when you initially came here, as you were very young then. However, now that you are all grown up, if Sesshomaru continues to stay this obsessed with you, it seems inevitable that he would end up doing something detriment to himself and to the clan if someone doesn't interfere.

(He points a finger at Rin.)

Zesshinmaru: _You_ have been causing us a lot of anxiety, Rin-chan.

(He smugly looks at her.)

Zesshinmaru: When the human boy came into the picture, it was too good an opportunity to miss. I just had to hint to him, he came for you without hesitating.

(Rin glares at Zesshinmaru.)

Rin: Zesshinmaru-sama, are you implying that Gobodou-sama instigated what happened today?

Zesshinmaru: Rin-chan, you can't afford to be too naïve living among us demons.

(She narrows her eyes.)

_Sesshomaru-sama's hahagimi (mother) wouldn't be this despicable._

Rin: How dare you malign Gobodou-sama with such a cheap insinuation? Zesshinmaru-sama, are you tired of living?

(Edges of Zesshinmaru's mouth upturn slightly.)

Zesshinmaru: It's the truth that Osuke-sama wouldn't think twice if she has to sacrifice you.

(Rin snorts.)

_I _wo_n't believe a word that you say._

Rin: I'm touched by your concern.

(Zesshinmaru runs his tongue along his teeth.)

Zesshinmaru: You know, I wasn't supposed to tell you all these. Osuke-sama wouldn't be pleased to know that I've been talking to you, but I thought it would be more merciful to let you know the truth.

(His eyes widen.)

Zesshinmaru: After I've had so much fun seeing Sesshomaru's expression, I thought it would be a pity if I miss the fun of seeing yours!

(He smirks. Rin's breathing hastens.)

_You are actually entertaining yourself with our tribulation?_

Rin: Why are you doing this Zesshinmaru-sama? What's your problem with me? I know my place here, I'm not obstructing you in any way and I'm not asking for any title or status for wanting to stay with Sesshomaru-sama, why are you picking on me? Why do you demons despise me so much? Is it merely because I am human? Or is it because you need to feel good about yourselves?

(Zesshinmaru reaches for his neck.)

Zesshinmaru: My problem with you is that _you_ are the reason that my neck is burnt like this! You wretched lass – you and Sesshomaru that knave – are the cause of my misery. You have no idea the kind of agony I have to endure because of this wound.

_Did Sesshomaru-sama do that to him?_

(Rin's eyes searches the ground for few moments.)

_Sesshomaru-sama told me once that he "saw to it" that Zesshinmaru would stop harassing me… he probably confronted Zesshinmaru with force and in the event burnt his neck with the acidic poison that he emits. Somehow, the wound is not able to heal properly. Looks like even a youkai like Zesshinmaru is not immune to poisons like Sesshomaru-sama._

49 Weakness

Zesshinmaru: Well, that is just my personal feud with you and Sesshomaru. As a demon, I guess it is only natural to frown at your association with Sesshomaru. Oh yes, we've been through this many times – how you are a lowly human and Sesshomaru is a great demon with noble blood flowing through his veins, and therefore your presence is… inappropriate._However_, the truth is that it is really not such a disaster that he wants to keep you as pet. In fact, Sesshomaru can keep as many human pets like you as he likes for all we care – _but_ when he is keeping you as his _only_ pet, it becomes a problem.

(Zesshinmaru licks his teeth with his tongue.)

Zesshinmaru: You and I – we are similar. The reason that you want to stay by Sesshomaru's side is the same as mine for following Osuke-sama. I need Osuke-sama's favor to secure a footing among the great demons the same way you need Sesshomaru's protection for your survival. It is common for powerful aristocratic demons like Osuke-sama and Sesshomaru to have a number of "interests" like us for entertainment, therefore if Sesshomaru wants to keep a couple of humans for amusement, no one would arch an eyebrow. However, Osuke-sama is not fixated on me likewise the way Sesshomaru is obsessed with you. I am just one of Osuke-sama's tools, as much as I may be in her favor today, she would dispose of me tomorrow if I displease her in any way. But you –

(He sizes her up for a few moments.)

Zesshinmaru: I don't think anyone could ever understand Sesshomaru – why someone like him would be obsessed with something like you.

(Rin frowns.)

Rin: Sesshomaru-sama is_not_ obsessed with me.

(Zesshinmaru laughs.)

Zesshinmaru: _Not_ obsessed with you? For the past few centuries, it was a rarity for 'his highness' to set foot in his mother's palace that I didn't even know how he looks like. Ever since you started living here eight years ago, he is here so often that some of us actually thinks that he is living here. _Not_ obsessed with you? Rin-chan, are you trying to humor me?

(Rin stares at him.)

Rin: He is _not obsessed_ with me. He is just concerned…

(Zesshinmaru laughs even louder.)

Zesshinmaru: If he weren't obsessed with you, he wouldn't have walked out of his own wedding today after seeing you and your human boy intimate with each other.

(He feels his teeth with his tongue.)

Zesshinmaru: When someone in the position of power like Sesshomaru shows any indication of being soft on something considered so unworthy by our standards as yourself, his judgment is bound to be questioned. If Sesshomaru is to hold on to influence, he needs the support of the other aristocrats. It is no secret that the nobles have all along disapproved of your presence, yet he struggles to keep you for the past decade.

(Rin breaks eye contact and looks down.)

Zesshinmaru: While it is common for someone like him to form alliances through marriages, it has been abnormal in the way he procrastinate it, especially for a very much sought after beautiful perfect _daiyoukai_ like him. Before you came along, Sesshomaru had been putting off his first marriage as he was determined to first acquire _Tessaiga_. So many years had passed since he acquired his sword, yet he still hadn't acceded to any marriage alliances until lately. It is no wonder that Osuke-sama was perturbed.

(She looks up sharply.)

Rin: Zesshinmaru-sama, if you are implying that I am the reason that Sesshomaru-sama had refused to honor marriage alliances in the past, you must be either mad or very unintelligent to exaggerate my importance like this. Do you truly think that someone as scrupulous as Sesshomaru-sama would allow anyone or anything to affect his decisions?

(Zesshinmaru slides his tongue along his teeth and grins.)

Zesshinmaru: The thing is that everyone believes that _you_ were the reason. When you were living in the Western lands, the nobles had already considered you a threat to the stability of our clan, or else why would they plot to have you dead eight years ago?

(Rin frowns.)

Rin: What are you talking about?

Zesshinmaru: If Sesshomaru's foundation falters among the demons, it would not just be the undermining of his position, the whole clan would be implicated. Hence when Sesshomaru refused to establish alliances through marriages, the nobles felt that you were the impediment, so they plotted to get rid of you eight years ago the same way Osuke-sama schemed to remove you from Sesshomaru today. Therefore you shouldn't take it too hard that Osuke-sama tries to break up the both of you, it's nothing personal. If it didn't happen today it would have happened eventually since Sesshomaru is not coming to his senses in his own terms. Perhaps you should be thankful that Osuke-sama didn't resort to liquidating you. Eight years ago everyone believed that you would surely die. I heard that they used something really lethal on you – even a demon like me could die from its effect and there was no known antidote to it. There was quite a commotion when Sesshomaru showed up two months later asking Osuke-sama to take you in. No one could believe that you survived the ordeal. Now that we are speaking of this, even I am curious – how did Sesshomaru save you?

(Her eyes flicker.)

Rin: What are you talking about? Did someone really try to kill me?

(Zesshinmaru raises his eyebrow.)

Zesshinmaru: Oh? You have no recollection of the episode?

(He narrows his eyes.)

Zesshinmaru: Why do you think Sesshomaru sent you here instead of keeping you by his side in his own territory in the West?

(He snickers.)

Zesshinmaru: Sesshomaru sent you here – because he could _not_ protect you in his own territory that's why.

(Rin's stance perceptibly falters.)

Zesshinmaru: As long as Sesshomaru keeps you around, he would never be able to gain the kind of support he needs to build his empire.

Rin: Are you implicating that I should leave Sesshomaru-sama?

(Zesshinmaru runs his tongue along his teeth.)

Zesshinmaru: I am saying that _you_ are _the_ obstacle to his ascension to power.

(He sneers.)

Zesshinmaru: You know, it is not for nothing that you are known as Sesshomaru's weakness.

(Rin looks away.)

Zesshinmaru: I think I shall take my leave now and since we will not be seeing each other again, take care of yourself, Rin-chan. I think I will miss your sweet human scent around the palace.

(Zesshinmaru whistles as he walks away from Rin. When Zesshinmaru is out of sight, Rin reaches out for a pillar and leans on it.)

_Is this why Sesshomaru-sama always avoids talking about the Western lands with me?_

_Jaken-sama too, always tries to change the subject when I talk about it. It is true, I can remember living in the Western lands with Sesshomaru-sama and Jaken-sama in the past, but I can't remember leaving. Sosonu (楚々瓊、ソソヌ)-sama…? Was she…?_

_Sesshomaru-sama, am I indeed your weakness?_

(Connection: #38-48-49; Story B)

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Nearing #50 drabble… I didn't know that there are so many Sessrin themes to write! The next update should be soon. 

Mood: pleased


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